You, too, can enjoy that relaxed lifestyle by following these few simple rules
on your way to becoming a typical tourist. 1. Dress like a tourist. A. Wear loud
shorts, bright shirts, double-knit slacks, and flip-flop thong sandals. B.
Choose clip-on, flip-up sunglasses and a florescent colored money belt. C. Pack
personalized tee-shirts and caps. II. Buy a camera and take pictures. A. Quality
is unimportant so a cheap camera will do. B. Don't bother to focus. C. Don't
worry about what you subject matter is. III. Share the experience by bringing
home souveniers. A. You can buy some. B. You can also collect "free
items" IV. Be tactless. A. Drive slowly and ignore road signs and traffice
patterns. B. Ask irrelevant questions. C. Talk loudly and make fun of locals. D.
Go everywhere. E. Demand typical American food in restaurants. How to Be a
Typical Tourist From southern Florida's sunny beaches to the chilly tundra of
Alaska, in the outback of in the outback of Australia or in the bustling streets
of Paris, London, Chicago, Tokyo, and Chicago, tourists are a group of people
seemingly unburdened by the cares of routine life. Perhaps you've seen tourists
in your own town and have envied their informal, carefree way of life. You, too,
can enjoy that relaxed lifestyle by following these few simple rules on your way
to becoming a typical tourist. First, in order to be a true tourist, you must
dress like a tourist. Go ahead; dig out those loud, tacky Fermuda shorts;
brightly colored shirts; double-knit slacks; and flip-flop thong sandals. Add a
touch of class with a pair of clip-on, flip-up sunglasses and the latest rage, a
flourescent-colored money belt. To personaliqe your touring wardrobe, consider
packing tee-shirts or caps that make a proud statement such as "I visited
the History of Mustard Museum at Gofer Point, North Dakota"; I cooled off
in Barrow, Alaska"; or "I hiked the Grand Canyon." People will be
impressed by these shirts, and you won't need to tell them about the helicopter
the rangers had to call to haul you back out of the canyon. Next, if you don't
already own a camera, you will need to purchase one. A camera will become one of
the of the most valuable tools in your glove compartment. After all, do you
really expect your neighbors to believe that you actually saw the Oscar Meyer
Weinermobile on Interstate 55 unless you have a snapshot to prove it? To be a
typical tourist, it is not a requirement that you be an accomplished
photographer, so any cheap camera will serve nicely. In fact, quality is quite
unimportant in tourist photography. don't bother to focus; you might miss the
moment. Ablurry picture, a thumb in the foreground, the unidentified hiker in a
sunset picture--these and other "mistakes" will only add to the
character of your photo collection. Just as quality is of little concern,
content is also irrelevant. It doesn't matter what you take pictures of as long
as you can make up a good story to explain the significance of the photo to the
people back home. In fact, favorite slide presentations of seasoned travelers in
my family have included shots of highway signs, unusual trees, grazing cattle,
and other tourists who shared a treasured moment at a toll road rest area. On a
recent trip, my mother became fascinated with the unusual markings left on a car
by an obviously large bird, and she brought home a photo for the rest of us to
see. Be sure you don't miss the exceptional photo opportunities if your vacation
involves air travel. You will want to at least snap three photographs: one at
takeoff, one of the clouds while you are in the air, and one to capture your
excitement upon reaching your destination. It is also typical to catch at least
the tip of the plane's wing in these shots. As a typical tourist, you will also
find the purchase of souveniers a valuable means by which to share the joys of
your travels with the homebodies. Bring cousin Ted a seashell flamingo from
Florida and watch his eyes light up. Your kid sister will be overwhelmed by your
thoughtfulness and generosity when you present her with the back scratcher you
bought for $5.95 from the vendor at Niagara Falls. Or you might think of your
favorite uncle and whip out another traveler's check to buy the shirt that
reads, "My nephew went to Beaver Crossing, Nebraska and all I got was this
crummy tee-shirt". However, it is not always necessary to spend a lot of
your hard-earned cash to bring home memories of your travels. Many tourist have
found wonderful use for such "free" items as motel bath towels, ash
trays, stationery, and sundry toiletries. While traveling in Poland, I collected
two of the crusty little buns that appeared with breakfast each morning, and
they now sit on my dresser as more or less permanent mementoes of my summer in
Europe. Colorful rocks, unusually shaped splinters of wood, and bottles of sand
from the ocean all qualify as typical tourist collectors' items. No matter what
treasure you pack on the return trip, you will find that most souveniers have
two common qualifying factors--they have little or no monetary value and they
are guaranteed to collect dust back home. Finally, be sure to leave tact behind
as you start out on you journey. This is essential if you want to fit in with
the top-notch typical tour- ist. Assume that everyone you meet has as much spare
time as you do. Drive slowly, drinking in all the sights. Pay no attention to
road signs and local traffic patterns. Ask a thousand irrelevant questions and
make small talk in the check-out line at the gas station. Talk loudly, joke
obnoxiously, and poke fun at the 'unusual' accents and customs of the locals. Be
exceedingly inquisitive and explore everything--abandoned houses, churches and
cathedrals, land beyond the "No Trespassing" signs-- and tell anyone
who questions you that you're from out of town and you're just looking for the
rest rooms. If you are traveling in a culture different from your own,
restaurants are great places to show your individuality through unrestrained
whining. Before looking at the menu, ask for common American foods like
hamburgers, french fries, or maybe catfish filets. Whine about having to pay for
bottled water with your meal and mumble comments like, "Taco Bell back home
serves their refried beans with cheese." Perish the thought that you might
explore some new taste experience in a foreign country. With these small
alterations to your normally polite and dignified nature, you will be fast on
your way to joining the ranks of the typical tourist.